Unstacking the Grief Tower
Unstacking
the Grief Tower
Mom had just shut all the lights off in the house in the middle of the day. Dad had left a few days earlier to go deeper into the jungle to work. I was about 11 years old when I peeked out of our front window to see what the commotion was across the street. My eyes would never be able to un-see what I saw. My mom quickly ushered me and my little brother and sister to the back of the house while telling us to keep quiet.
We huddled in the back on the floor, and my mom started praying. What was happening to our neighbors? I had seen the neighbors inside their car in their driveway- and some men with guns pointed at their heads yelling at them. It was not the first time I saw a gun in public out waving around in my short life living in South America. But it was the closest to home.
If you asked me how I liked growing up cross-culturally, I would always say, “I LOVED IT!” And I do. And I did even then. But what I didn’t realize until years later was the grief processing that always comes with living an ex-pat life.
“Children who grow up outside their parent’s passport country, Third Culture Kids (TCKs), experience a significant number of losses, grief-inducing experiences, and traumas during their developmental years.”
Maybe you or your kids don’t have life-threatening griefs to process. Perhaps there have not been significant deaths in the family. But, any loss is grief that will stack until one day it is too much. Maybe you notice a behavior shift in your child. Perhaps you see one in yourself. Maybe a wave of rage is trying to poke its ugly head out over little things that shouldn’t bother someone so much.
The following is a small sampling of possible griefs that can stack:
Saying bye to family, friends, certain foods, and ‘home’ culture
Stress with moving
Hidden losses: losing your lifestyle and routines
Knowing that your friends have moved on in their life without you
Family crises
A season of prolonged anxiety or depression
Physical sickness
How can we prevent the tower from stacking too high? Loren and I have been through a certification process with Lauren Wells to help TCKs unstack their grief towers.
A few openings remain at our church retreat on April 21-23. We pray it is a space where your kids and you can process griefs that might have stacked. Email romeinternationalchurch@gmail.com if you’re interested in attending.
We pray you can walk away from our church retreat with practical tools you can use with your family as you live cross-culturally or are getting ready to return to your host country. Even returning to your host country is full of grief.
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber”
- Alaina